Things to Consider When Confronting a Friend

I’ve had many times in my life when I have made serious missteps regarding saying hurtful words in a relationship. Many times, it was based on ego or to lash out at another. Other times it was based on misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Even though I have tried to clear my conscience in many instances and have offered an apology, many situations have occurred when I did not express my regret for making uncharitable comments. Regardless of my actions after the fact, many of these relationships eventually unraveled. It is hard to say whether or not the relationship could have continued if either party had addressed difficult issues. If the discontinuation of these relationships was due to my careless tongue, an unrelated reason, or both, it will be something I will grapple with throughout my life and, in some cases, have much regret.

When we have fear about confronting people we care about, stating our true feelings, or choose to attack the easy target in front of us, we know we risk losing the relationship. Because of this, it is easy to avoid confrontation, ignore certain behaviors or hold back on giving a candid opinion. But when is it necessary to confront because you care for someone who is doing destructive/disrespectful/irritating/cruel behavior? For obvious reasons it is trickier when you truly value the other and would deeply mourn the ending of the relationship.

People develop relationships over time allowing a sense of trust to grow. Maintaining a true relationship, not one based on mere acquaintanceship, has difficult moments and let downs. It is rare when over the course of a relationship, after all of the boundaries have been tested, when people can unequivocally rely on one another. This is the outcome we all desire, at the point where trust remains intact (i.e., no one has left yet). Think of all the people you really trust where you can show the scope of your true nature — you can probably count these people on one hand.

Before you worry about telling a friend hurtful, honest or painful news, there are a few issues to consider first.

There are no guarantees. People can pull the plug at any minute, and sometimes for no good reason. By deciding to be intimate with another, we open up ourselves to the potential for deep love…and deep wounding.

Learn to live peaceably. When a relationship ends, choose to mourn it, learn from it and decide if apologies are in order. Perhaps it is in your best interest to take responsibility for your part in a disagreement. If you’re not ready to acknowledge this, perhaps down the road you will be ready. If you had little part in the ending of the relationship and have been unfairly rejected, realize that during the time of your friendship, you gave the other person a gift of love and compassion. Fight the temptation of being scared of other relationships ending up the same way. Won’t potential new friends be lucky to have someone like you to care about them?

How much do you care about this person? Are you bringing up valid issues for his/her sake or to unload due to a bruised ego?

Is the risk worth the reward? Confronting people can bring more trust, while with others, this will erode their feelings of trust for you. Perhaps because you care a great deal for the relationship, you’d be willing to risk it for the sake of your friend’s well being.

A few other questions:

Have you tried to broach difficult subjects (tested the waters, so to speak) and have been rebuffed or has your friend been open?

Will telling your friend your concerns ultimately help or encourage the change of his/her behavior?

How damaging is the relationship to you? If it is quite damaging, why are you still engaged?

Is your friend acting strangely/uncharacteristically/rudely due to health issues he/she has little control over?

Are you taking everything as a personal affront? If a friend is under major stress and is a little snappy, give the person leeway. Don’t allow yourself to always take things personally.

It can be an agonizing decision when and if to bring up information that could potentially damage a relationship. Again, there are no guarantees that people will remain friends in any relationship, even when both parties seem to get along.

Approach with a genuine and open heart. In conclusion, if you decide it is in your best interest to approach a friend with concern, do so with a genuine and open heart. Speak to the person privately. Share your hurt, frustration, or concern but do so without being overly emotional or accusatory. Let the person know how much you value the relationship. Seek to clear up any misunderstandings.

If you get to this stage, often times, the other party had already sensed that something was bothering you. If a friendship is truly worth salvaging, be the first to take the lead. Realize that some of your behaviors may be challenged as well. With humility, listen to the thoughts of your friend. Take in his/her perspective. Save judgment for later. Apologize for any misunderstanding or pain you caused. Reconcile if possible!

Had friends approached me earlier when hurt by my behavior, I suspect many relationships could have been salvaged. It takes courage to be vulnerable and to stop pretending that the status quo is not working. It also takes courage to defend oneself if a friend has overstepped a boundary. When true relationships arrive on the scene, they should be valued, honored and nurtured. Relationships weren’t meant to be easy, but require work, dedication, to let go of withholding, to challenge our assumptions, help us to learn intimacy and in doing so, to teach us about ourselves so we are fit to be true friends to others.

Love to all,

Nicole

Life’s Learnings

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. (Confucius
551 BC - 479 BC), The Confucian Analects

In examining the new “school of thought” that has taken hold recently, I’ve struggled with the attitudes encapsulated in books like The Secret that promote easy answers. The book promotes the “Law of Attraction”, stating that just thinking of something and being positive about it supposedly brings that very thing into your life. I do believe in thinking in a positive manner and I do believe in creating through first visioning, thinking and speaking as a way to bring things into existence. However, tapping into our true creative power and then utilizing it to its fullest takes a lot of energy and real discipline. And there are often barriers, sometimes legitimate ones, to achieving the things we think we really want.

People have problems, ailments, and heartache for a multitude of reasons. People who are entrenched in The Secret type of thinking have a hard time relating to others who aren’t yet “on board with the program” so to speak. So for instance, at times when I’ve felt down, I’ve had a friend just remark, “Turn that frown upside down!” (this was actually a well-intentioned friend who was not joking, so she’s forgiven), or other off-hand and thoughtless comments including, “Well it doesn’t help to be so negative. You should just be more positive,” when I was simply describing a situation I found myself in. In that instance, I was not looking for a lecture on attitude, but a hint of compassion from a friend, which would have created an opportunity for us to bond more closely. Problems come in all shapes and sizes and the “positive mental attitude” way of thinking, without compassion or empathy, has very few tools for dealing with real problems and real disappointments. If you haven’t figured it out yet, eventually followers of these simplistic trends start to ask, “I’m following the program. Why isn’t anything of true substance happening yet?” And for each of us, there are many answers to this valid question.

From following the spiritual path for several years, my most important conclusion (for myself which has helped me in understanding) is that X is happening because I need to learn it. It is that simple! The Universe, God, etc. isn’t concerned about my short-term comfort, but, rather, my eventual learning and true happiness. The simplistic “positive attitude gurus,” like some psychotherapists who “normalize” your experience and tell you that the process of discovering yourself (really, the spiritual journey) should be fairly easy and carefree, are dead wrong. Learning isn’t guaranteed to be consistently “fun” or joyful and those on the spiritual path will set themselves up for failure if this is their expectation. But, in a difficult situation I can choose to see the joy and beauty in the difficult lesson, even if I’m going through, to use Christian terminology, “The Valley of the Shadow of Death.” While this can be quite painful, I’ve found that out of my most painful times, often come the most valuable lessons. I’ve learned to see the beauty and joy in the painful lessons most of the time, even as I’m going through them.

There are many kinds of lessons. Sometimes the lesson is compassion. Sometimes the lesson is to let go of control. Often times we are called to learn to give of ourselves to serve others. We often shy away from the very things we’re supposed to be learning. We take the “other” path that feels more comfortable and secure (letting our ego self make the decision). We allow others who don’t understand the spiritual path (family and friends) tell us the new direction is too risky, not for us. If we don’t get the lessons the first time, we in fact create the barriers which causes the delay in what we’re trying to create. This in turn creates multiple whackings, or the need for the same lesson to be repeated again and again. While we’re going through the rough waters, we don’t have the wisdom to understand what is happening to us. And if we don’t know what the lesson is, we don’t know how we can move on (this is where a spiritual teacher is helpful, although your teacher is not simply a Magic 8-Ball to dispense answers at your whim).

So my advice is:

1) Be open. Initially you won’t have a great idea of why you’re going through that which is difficult. Go with the experience. Stop judging things as “good” or “not good”, even if the fact that you are about to lose your house doesn’t feel good (of course this is hard).

2) Have faith. Know that you will be guided- look for clues or opportunities presented to you. Know at some point you’ll come out on the other side and you are stronger for it.

3) Find a teacher/guide/mentor. Find someone who is truly serving your best interest.

4) Act. Try new ways of behaving. Incorporate the new growth into your spirit. Practice the new way of thinking/looking at life daily.

5) Serve others. If you are called to teach the lesson, then teach. Support or help others where you can if appropriate.

6) Let go of anger. Know that your spirit has called you to learn this particular lesson. Try not to fight it (remember, you just prolong the phase and it becomes more painful).

Even after a time of reflection, there are times I may not figure out what my lessons are. We may never know the extent to which we’ve helped or even hurt those around us, or all of the ramifications of our actions. Perhaps that is a lesson in and of itself, for us to be at peace. We must realize that it may not be the time to have a particular understanding. But in the other cases, hold dearly to what you’ve learned. As for me, after I’ve accomplished my tasks for this lifetime, I know I can boldly turn my face up towards the heavens. And perhaps I will be fit for a more celestial plane, and offered the chance for new learnings where I will grow from strength to strength.

Nicole

Waiting to Find Yourself

Many of us who discover that we are without guidance struggle to find “The Right Path”. In our minds, we have carved out the notion that there is a singular right way- one right way of doing things — one perfect job, one perfect relationship — and this is, of course, the key to our happiness. “Once I find myself, I’ll be happy.”

If we could just unlock the mystery and tap into the one thing that was created by the Universe (or God) specifically for us, just waiting to be discovered, life would actually turn out alright. We say to ourselves time and time again, “God has created the perfect opportunity for me…I just need to find it.” We figure we are owed these perfect opportunities, but they just haven’t arrived knocking on our doorstep. If we happen to miss the opportunity when it knocks on our doorstep, then we’re definitely out of luck.

We often believe that the need to discover our purpose and key to happiness entitles us put ourselves first. This is the point where you tell yourself, “If I can just find myself…just figure this out, then I’ll be fine. I just need to get through this and the pain will all be over.”

Wanting to figure out what makes you happy is a great desire. Carrying it out as a means to an end, regardless of how many people it hurts is just plain destructive. The obsession around focusing on one’s self is not only tiresome but pointless and damaging. Because this approach is based on what might be termed “magical thinking,” it is unlikely that you will ever find a way for healing and the discovery of a true path to occur. I call this “magical thinking” because it is based on superstition instead of the very real change of paradigm that is necessary for true Spiritual growth.

Our old paradigm looks for the path that the ego self agrees with and approves of. The ego is neither objective nor wise. So, naturally, if we rely on ourselves to provide this guidance we’ll never achieve satisfactory results. I’ve seen people with this attitude still be very stuck after 5 years, 10 years, and longer. Some go backwards, becoming more cynical and jaded than when they began, as the search for “the perfect calling/opportunity/job/relationship” drains them daily. Some put the pursuit for what they believe will lead to happiness over all other responsibilities, regardless of those left behind or commitments that had been previously made.

The reality is that this superstitious way of thinking is just that — superstition. It’s the hope that we hold onto to tell ourselves that things will get better. We believe that the Universe must give us the perfect opportunity because, well, “We’re worth it.” But, in fact, the Universe does not “owe” us anything. We can, by training our minds, bodies and spirits, create opportunity, but it isn’t there simply because we have a great smile.

Another “magical thought” is: “If I just wait long enough, bide my time and make wise decisions along the way, good things will happen.” But that attitude can be very destructive because things rarely change at the level we want them to just by biding our time. When things aren’t happening quickly enough we often decide that people who we believe, in our ego-centric haze, stand in the way of our happiness (i.e., those who dare to disagree with us) need to be eliminated.

Taking the attitude that we are owed something by the Universe often makes us unable to recognize our fear manufactured by the “ego self” — derailing us from finding a true path (I’m not referring to a “one right path,” but a path that will in fact bring true learning, power and knowledge).

So if we give the ego its way and search for a perfect path according to its terms, we’ll eventually find ourselves kicked to the curb by the swift kick of the Universe’s big heavy foot! We’ll have wasted years and have grown pessimistic due to all of the false starts and dead ends. Continued disappointment eventually turns into disillusionment. Disillusionment turns into despair. You get the rest of the picture.

The true solution is to eliminate the force of the ego self. Find yourself by realizing there are several great opportunities out there (How? Because you can create them). The goal is not to “find yourself” for the sake of finding happiness, but for the goal of learning.

You may take a sub-optimal path, then later get on a different path. Conversely, maybe you’ll follow the first path through to completion. Stop thinking “It was meant to be.”, or “Not meant to be.” You’re going to learn something regardless of what path you decide to take.

The solution is simple. Quit analyzing and examining every contingency. Find yourself by surrendering control over the process. Just get out there and do it. Acknowledge that every path (choice of action) has benefits and drawbacks. Therefore, one perfect way or opportunity is unlikely exist. Be open to the fact that your path will involve serving others instead of obsessing over yourself.

Believe and know that when you start to act (start to write, make that important phone call, start doing the research, and so on), that this is the beginning of opening a door which will lead to learning, growth and peace. All of a sudden you will realize that you don’t have just one key on your keychain, but several keys. Some keys will open doors easily, others will jam or remain locked. Take stock of all of the new and possibly exciting opportunities to consider. And as you open up the doors of possibility, more often than not, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by what you find on the other side.

Now let your soul roam wild!

Nicole.