Things to Consider When Confronting a Friend

I’ve had many times in my life when I have made serious missteps regarding saying hurtful words in a relationship. Many times, it was based on ego or to lash out at another. Other times it was based on misunderstandings or hurt feelings. Even though I have tried to clear my conscience in many instances and have offered an apology, many situations have occurred when I did not express my regret for making uncharitable comments. Regardless of my actions after the fact, many of these relationships eventually unraveled. It is hard to say whether or not the relationship could have continued if either party had addressed difficult issues. If the discontinuation of these relationships was due to my careless tongue, an unrelated reason, or both, it will be something I will grapple with throughout my life and, in some cases, have much regret.

When we have fear about confronting people we care about, stating our true feelings, or choose to attack the easy target in front of us, we know we risk losing the relationship. Because of this, it is easy to avoid confrontation, ignore certain behaviors or hold back on giving a candid opinion. But when is it necessary to confront because you care for someone who is doing destructive/disrespectful/irritating/cruel behavior? For obvious reasons it is trickier when you truly value the other and would deeply mourn the ending of the relationship.

People develop relationships over time allowing a sense of trust to grow. Maintaining a true relationship, not one based on mere acquaintanceship, has difficult moments and let downs. It is rare when over the course of a relationship, after all of the boundaries have been tested, when people can unequivocally rely on one another. This is the outcome we all desire, at the point where trust remains intact (i.e., no one has left yet). Think of all the people you really trust where you can show the scope of your true nature — you can probably count these people on one hand.

Before you worry about telling a friend hurtful, honest or painful news, there are a few issues to consider first.

There are no guarantees. People can pull the plug at any minute, and sometimes for no good reason. By deciding to be intimate with another, we open up ourselves to the potential for deep love…and deep wounding.

Learn to live peaceably. When a relationship ends, choose to mourn it, learn from it and decide if apologies are in order. Perhaps it is in your best interest to take responsibility for your part in a disagreement. If you’re not ready to acknowledge this, perhaps down the road you will be ready. If you had little part in the ending of the relationship and have been unfairly rejected, realize that during the time of your friendship, you gave the other person a gift of love and compassion. Fight the temptation of being scared of other relationships ending up the same way. Won’t potential new friends be lucky to have someone like you to care about them?

How much do you care about this person? Are you bringing up valid issues for his/her sake or to unload due to a bruised ego?

Is the risk worth the reward? Confronting people can bring more trust, while with others, this will erode their feelings of trust for you. Perhaps because you care a great deal for the relationship, you’d be willing to risk it for the sake of your friend’s well being.

A few other questions:

Have you tried to broach difficult subjects (tested the waters, so to speak) and have been rebuffed or has your friend been open?

Will telling your friend your concerns ultimately help or encourage the change of his/her behavior?

How damaging is the relationship to you? If it is quite damaging, why are you still engaged?

Is your friend acting strangely/uncharacteristically/rudely due to health issues he/she has little control over?

Are you taking everything as a personal affront? If a friend is under major stress and is a little snappy, give the person leeway. Don’t allow yourself to always take things personally.

It can be an agonizing decision when and if to bring up information that could potentially damage a relationship. Again, there are no guarantees that people will remain friends in any relationship, even when both parties seem to get along.

Approach with a genuine and open heart. In conclusion, if you decide it is in your best interest to approach a friend with concern, do so with a genuine and open heart. Speak to the person privately. Share your hurt, frustration, or concern but do so without being overly emotional or accusatory. Let the person know how much you value the relationship. Seek to clear up any misunderstandings.

If you get to this stage, often times, the other party had already sensed that something was bothering you. If a friendship is truly worth salvaging, be the first to take the lead. Realize that some of your behaviors may be challenged as well. With humility, listen to the thoughts of your friend. Take in his/her perspective. Save judgment for later. Apologize for any misunderstanding or pain you caused. Reconcile if possible!

Had friends approached me earlier when hurt by my behavior, I suspect many relationships could have been salvaged. It takes courage to be vulnerable and to stop pretending that the status quo is not working. It also takes courage to defend oneself if a friend has overstepped a boundary. When true relationships arrive on the scene, they should be valued, honored and nurtured. Relationships weren’t meant to be easy, but require work, dedication, to let go of withholding, to challenge our assumptions, help us to learn intimacy and in doing so, to teach us about ourselves so we are fit to be true friends to others.

Love to all,

Nicole